So Close Yet So Far Away
by AnnCarter
Summary: A short missing scene of what happened after Rumple crossed the town line. Set in the end of 4x12 "Heroes and Villains".


**AN:** We've just finished "Heroes and Villains" and I'm completely devastated. Heartbroken. *runs off to the corner to sob her heart out*

 _All rights for Once Upon a Time are ABC's. I own nothing._

* * *

"Belle…" His voice shook as he looked at the empty road in front of him, where – just seconds ago – Storybrooke was. He was so close he could almost touch the red line where the Snow Queen's curse was, but he couldn't see it. He knew he wouldn't be able to touch it. Not now that he was outside. It was over.

"I know you're still there," He managed eventually, the tears blurring his sight. It didn't matter; it's not like there was something for him to look at. He gently stroked the road inches from the invisible line, wishing he could go back inside. Wishing he could go back to her. "I wish I could see you. Even… even out here."

Her image flashed in his mind, the way she just looked at him, pain and betrayal written all over her face. She looked at him the way she'd never looked at him before. Like he was a monster. Just the memory of her looks and words shattered his heart in a way he didn't think anything could after Bae's death.

 _But you knew,_ an inner voice insisted. _You went to his grave and told him yourself. You said you were going to be better. You said she's all you have. You knew, and you just chose to ignore it._

He looked down, his hand shaking against the asphalt. "I'm sorry, Belle," He said quietly, his voice still choked and shaking. What he told her, time and again, was true – he really didn't deserve her. "I know that's not enough. I know… I've made a mistake. No, I made mistake _s_. Big mistakes. I should've told you the truth. I should've been honest with you, from the start. I told Bae I'll do it right, I told him I'll try to be a hero like he was, but I didn't. I just kept on going the way I did before. I let the monster they all see in me get the better of me.

"But I… I can't bear it." He cleared his throat, pain filling his heart. "I can't bear the thought of losing you, Belle. I know that maybe it's too late, maybe I've already lost you and I can't make things better, but… I have to try. I can't just give up on you. I love you. I think I always have. Even back home, when I was trying to find a way to get here. I didn't think I could care about anyone else, not until I find Baelfire… but somehow you became special to me. Why do you think I saved that chipped cup, even when I thought you were dead? It was…" A choked sob forced him to pause, but he cleared his throat again and continued. "It was all I had left of you. Maybe it still is.

"When Regina told me you were dead… I smashed so many things that you would've been angry with me for providing so much work for you to do." He managed a choked laughter. "I nearly beat your father to death in Storybrooke because Regina told me you died because of him. I didn't realise it was all my fault. Just like it is now.

"This is all my fault." He took a shaky breath. "I know it is. I drove you away then and I drove you away now. I told myself I wanted to do this for you, but it was never about you. You and Bae… you were right. I _am_ a coward. I wanted to see the world with you, like you always wanted, but I was afraid that if I lost my magic… I'd lose you, too. I lost Milah to Hook because I was weak. I almost lost Bae to the war because I couldn't fight for him. Magic was the only way I could ever save the people I loved. I thought that without it, I'd be nothing. Like I was before.

"Do you remember… our first kiss?" He had to fight every nerve in his body not to just lie down on the road. "You asked me to tell you about my son. And you kissed me. You were so joyous when you saw me turning back into man. Remember what you told me? True love's kiss can break any curse. It's true, you know. But it only worked… because it was true love. Because it _is_ true love.

"I do love you, Belle. And I can't… I can't bear the thought of you looking at me like that. Thinking of me as a monster. You're the only one who always saw the man inside, who created goodness even when I didn't have it in me. I can't bear the thought of you giving up on me. I won't give up on you, no matter what happens. I _will_ find a way back to you. I just hope… I hope I'm not too late. Because you… you're all I had since Bae died. Maybe, if I wasn't a coward, if I could believe I won't lose you… maybe you'd still be here, by my side. I'm sorry, Belle," His body shook as he started sobbing again, "I'm so sorry. I wish I could show you how much you mean to me. I wish I could show you how much I love you. Because I do. I wish I could show you how much I need you. How much I love you."

Letting go of the last remnants of his self-control, he kept sobbing, tears running down his cheeks and on to the dark road on which he was sitting. The pain and regret filling him were almost unbearable, in a way he hadn't felt since he first lost Baelfire. In a way he thought he'd never feel again.

Yet here he was.

* * *

On the other side of the line, Belle was sitting on the road, the Dark One's dagger resting on the asphalt in front of her. Rumple was nearly close enough for her to touch, but she didn't make a move towards him, knowing there was no way back. She didn't mind not being able to go back to Storybrooke; after everything Rumple did, it was the two of them there was no way back for. She knew he distanced himself from everyone after losing Baelfire, but she never thought she'd be part of "everyone".

She wanted to get up and leave, but something stopped her, keeping her in her place as long as he was sitting on the other side of the line, crying like she never saw him cry before. She knew it was real. She knew he meant every word he said. She remembered the way he looked at her, the way he touched her, and she knew he _did_ love her. But for the first time in a long, long time, she couldn't believe he could change, not even for her.

He just didn't love her enough.

"I'm sorry, Rumple," She whispered, her voice choked and the tears blurring her sight. As though he'd heard her, his head shot up and he looked at where he last saw her, pain and regret shining on his face. She looked down, unable to keep looking at him. Because now, when she looked at him, all she could see was the man who lied to her. The man who betrayed her. The monster she never believed he was.

* * *

When she eventually got up, what felt like hours later, she saw Rumple getting up, too. Like there was still a connection between them, even though they were now in two different worlds. A few weeks earlier, she might have believed there was. Now, she didn't want to believe it.

He limped to the town line, and out of instinct, she did the same thing, until they were standing in front of each other, just inches apart, almost close enough to touch. When her eyes found his, it was almost like he could see her standing there, looking back at him, eyes red and tears running down their cheeks.

"I'm not giving up on you, Belle," He said quietly, his voice choked. "I love you. I always will. I just…" He looked down and took a deep breath. "I need you to know that."

With that, he turned around and started walking away, his shoulders shaking lightly as he started crying again.

And in another world, Belle turned her back to his figure and started walking back to town, still holding the now-useless dagger in her right hand.


End file.
